


Confessions (2009)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Community: 30kisses, Fear, Gen, Introspection, Reflection, Secret Crush, Soul-Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-28
Updated: 2009-09-28
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7107007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the anniversary of Hakkai's rebirth, Sanzo lays his heart bare in a letter - if only he could give it to the recipient.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions (2009)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the LJ community 30kisses, prompt#26 - 'if only I could make you mine'

Violet eyes narrowed a little as they stared down at the words written on the page. He wasn’t sure just what he felt about them, and as he took one last drag off his cigarette and ground out the heater, he read through the letter yet again.

_I wish I knew what to do._

_You probably think I don’t remember what day today is, but I do. And not just because I could feel the heaviness in your soul this morning. It’s an anniversary for me, too. Your birthday, of sorts – not that we’ll be celebrating._

_I know this is a day of reflection for you. Don’t deny it - I recognize the look. I wear the same one, if you haven’t noticed. I’ve been watching you for the past while, watching you play that day over and over in your mind, searching for something you might have overlooked, something you could have done differently. Tell me something. What will you do if you find that missing link? Are you hoping to add to the mountain of guilt you already carry, hoping that maybe just a little more will cause it to topple, burying you in the damnation you seem to covet?_

_Or are you just making sure? Is it only when you’re completely convinced that there’s no more that you could have done will you finally be able to let go? To move on? To find some semblance of normalcy?_

_I’ve heard Gojyo say it to you before, and though I’m not one to agree with that perverted letch, he’s right in this case - the sad look doesn’t suit you. Oh, I know you’re always smiling and trying to convince me that you’re fine. Sure, you’re fine alright. Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. And emotional. But that’s ok. I am, too. But I think you know that already, though. You always could see through my bullshit, and I truly believe that sometimes you understand me better than I do myself. And you always make a point of **educating me** about that, too, don’t you? Sometimes gently, sometimes bluntly, but always the way I need to hear it. Even if I do call you an asshole for it and tell you to mind your own business. Honestly, it’s just because deep down, I know you’re right._

_The thing is, **Sensei** , you’ve made a lot of sense over the years. And you’ve certainly given me more than a plateful of food for thought. And you know what you’ve helped me realize? I **am** ready to move on. To let myself feel. To put some of my own past and my own hurts behind me. But I also need you with me to help me do that. It’s been so long – almost half of my life – and I’m not sure I remember how._

_What do you think about that? I know you’d be patient. You’d let me set my own pace. Let me try to make you smile. Let me hug you. I know you’d hug me back. I’ve seen you hug Goku before, and damn if seeing that doesn’t turn me into a jealous bastard. Sometimes I want to be the one in your arms. Sometimes I envy the seemingly easy way you’re able to comfort Goku. Can you sense that in me? Or do I hide that from even **your** eyes?_

_I watched you this morning as you made coffee. I could feel the longing in your aura, and when you leaned over to pour, I was **so** tempted to kiss you then. But I hesitated. Hell, would you even **want** me? Could you rely on me to give you what you need the same way I know you’d give that to me? We’re both broken, yes, but despite everything, we’re not totally destroyed. On our own, we’ll never be whole, but maybe by combining the shattered fragments of our souls, we could at least be rebuilt and made to work._

_The bitch of it all is that I **can’t** ask you. You still belong to her, even though she made it quite clear that night that she didn’t feel the same about you. I could never hurt you in that way; cause you to hate yourself so much that you believe the greatest punishment you’ve received is to simply live. I’d take care of you - **both** sides of you – the way you’ve always taken care of me. Respect you. Encourage you. Do I even have a chance to do this for you? Or have you shackled yourself so tightly to the darkness of that night that you will eventually let yourself be dragged down into the deepest shadows where no light will ever penetrate? Will you lose yourself then, or will you let me save you?_

_I know I probably sound like a hypocrite, asking you to take such a leap of faith founded on nothing more than the simple smile I’ve given you. Hell, faith is something neither of us have ever had much reason to believe in. But when you think about it, am I really? I’ve accepted the limitations of my past, acknowledged that I cannot change it, and prepared myself to move forward. It’s been hard, but I’ve freed myself from that past, for you. I’ve taken that proverbial first step - the one that starts me on this new, uncertain, and certainly terrifying path - and without that past anger and hate to hold on to, I'm at a loss. I’m ready to open my heart again, but I can’t do it alone._

_No, it’s more than that. I can’t do it without **you**._

_And as I said before, I wish I knew what to do. And so, I’ll continue to reflect on this while in your mind, I'm sure you’ll keep believing that I’m just withdrawing further and further into myself. Growing more distant from everyone. Reinforcing my claim that I don’t want anyone. I suppose that’s partially true. I don’t want just **anyone**. I want you. But please, don’t give up on me just yet._

_I promise you this – if only I could make you mine, I know we’d both start to heal._

Sanzo continued to stare at the letter for a long while, and finally, he folded it up and slipped it back into the envelope. _You're such an idiot,_ he thought to himself as he tapped a cigarette out of the pack and slid it between his lips. Scowling just a little, he sparked the flint on his Zippo and picked up the envelope. For several long moments, he seriously debated lighting it on fire and letting it burn, but when the first tendrils of flame licked at the edge, causing the paper to brown slightly, he quickly pulled it away and set it down flat on the table top, gently patting the area with his fingers as he instead lit his smoke.

With a deft flick of his wrist, he closed the lighter and set it down, and then he took the envelope and stashed it away inside his robes. He glanced toward the door when he heard it open, and he offered the green-eyed healer a small, brief smile and a quick nod as he entered the suite, his arms laden with shopping bags. Exhaling, he turned to look out the window, catching his own gaze in the reflection of the glass. _Maybe next year,_ he thought as the fingers of his free hand lightly brushed over the tip of the envelope. _As they say, the third time's the charm._


End file.
